Friday, November 08, 2013
Finally, back to this space. After tons of ups and downs, I'm back. Initially, I was so tired of all the bullshit. The group mates, the annoying lecturers and the endless projects and work. But now it's all over. (On the assumption that I passed everything)Yet, I'm clueless with what's going to happen in my life. I was deciding between a Masters or to start working before the exams yet during the exams, I was constantly faced with setbacks. I wasn't able to memorize as much as before. Last time I could memorize 3 chaptes now... Not even 1 completely. It scares me. Each time Gabe ask, where did we went or people asking me what do you do that day, I can't seem to recall. I was joking to my group mates, "maybe I should check out a psychologist man since I've trouble remembering stuff." And they don't even looked like they were kidding. They said "yeah I think that your panic attacks are quite bad?"
All these remarks and each time how hard I've tried to recall things, I just can't. I don't even know what if I don't even remember anything anymore. So I thought maybe its wise tro just forgo about taking the Mastera. After all, it's not as if I'm a high scorer. I worked hard the last sem, real hard, yet I came to realise as much as when there is a will there's a way, there are just some things that are not within your control. But I don't wanna give up, so I'm gonna take a good break till my results are out and see it for myself.
Just 2 days ago, I was like "Yes! Every damn thing is over! I just need to pass and get out of hellhole!!" I thought I'll be living the life, slacking, rolling around, catching up with my dramas, going for suppers. End up, the night gets colder and colder and I just feel so alone.
There just seems to be no aim in life, as much as I wished for a best friend to run to and say "OMG, everything is overrrrrr." Nope, just a 2 minutes conversation kept me up this whole night. Who actually feels happy for you, who is there to share your first news, all these thoughts came through my mind and I realized its Gabe.
I'm not complaining that having a bf is not enough, but we just need gfs at times. And I still can't find a soul mate or even best friend. Honestly, I don't even have a friend who won't fuck me over or constantly get on my nerves or get discriminated by others. Not that it matters whether she GF discriminated but it does affect when it happens in a group. So today the worry of the night is: where is this person or is the problem me?
I mean it's not as if I haven't found people that are this close to becoming the perfect best friend. Buy there are either constantly about bfs, or they behave abnormally at times or I just can't seem to keep a ultra long conversation. Maybe it's just me, I'm on the constant search of someone this perfect and maybe that's the problem, I am the problem.
ACCEPTANCE 1:50 AM
